воскресенье, 20 октября 2013 г.

oh my mind is a mess.
the things I find worth doing are too many, the things I actually do, too few.
my mind seems to me now a sea of frustration.
the language. I lack language, I lack words that can never keep up with my thoughts. I lack control over my voice and feel deeply ashamed about it. Because I assume that it makes people feel tense and uncomfortable. When actually it makes me feel tense and uncomfortable. Because I feel this losing of control. But I do have control. For example I can slow down and regain it. Intuitively I spent the day watching the deaf characters in Todorovsky film making their way through words without any hurry. They know they are different, that they sound weird, but they don't hussle. Wow, I love my inner wisdom, hehe.


воскресенье, 2 января 2011 г.

Dear diary

Met my cousin, and we scanned a heap of family photos. Meanwhile tried to read my notes on the Hardy book, taken a year ago. Interesting, but got no ideas on what and how to do.
Finally decided to go to the winter forest for a day and a night. Holy hell. What's gonna happen to me.
Followed some suggestions from Everyday Activism blog. Felt some love and connection.
Wrote an announcement about the blog. Was glad.
Tried to write some text for the publication. I'm confuuuuused and sooooo uncertain every time I start doing some thesis. So soon I found myself 'doing-anything-but-writing'. For example I started an English blog. Why? Because I should write more. And I should write in English. And stop that blocking feeling that no one needs my thoughts. And then it's good for others. It's an everyday activism too. Seriously. To encourage people have their voices. And not to be afraid of English.

суббота, 1 января 2011 г.

I just decided to have some diary here, while nobody's watching.

So, dear diary.

I had fun today several times: reading Dostoyevsky in the metro coach (yep, it was me who used to shout 'Down with escapism!'), having a shower, and then saying some clumsy new year wishes to a friend, who then told me she was going to have a baby (at last), and I felt joy hearing this.
I also tried some authentic movement (as I felt lost and eager to find a way), which brought some monsters, some heavy feelings forth, leaving me lost and helpless and falling apart.
And I kind of failed to hold me in all that with love.

Seems like battery is really low.
Sleeping, fucking and weeping is all I succeed in. And reading, sometimes.
I must start remembering dreams at last. And at least.

понедельник, 8 февраля 2010 г.

puritans' movie club

Today I was for the first time at a movie party at the English Movie Night, the club of cinema-lovers who also love english.
My ex-groupmate, a successful English teacher, recommended it to me when I was looking for language practice.
People meet each week to watch a film in English (with subs) and then discuss it. The club is run by a company of young people from some sort of protestant community, called The Church of the Nazarean. But it does almost no matter for these movie nights, except that chocolate sweets served with tea never contain liqueur, and that sex scenes in films are skipped.

Today we watched “Autumn in November” with Richard Gere and Winona Rider.
If in short and without spoilers – it’s a romantic comedy on one hand, and a drama on another, about how death makes life more real, brings more life to life. Actually Richard Gere’s character seemed to me quite banal, that of Winona Rider is much more interesting, but the plot line I like the most is that with Lisa, and Lisa herself.
Maybe a longer and spoilerful review will come soon.

The movie party takes place in the community’s office, full of books about Bible and New Testament and Jesus and way to holiness, and flyers about the community and its projects etc. In fact I was a little suspicious and wondered if it wasn’t a sect.
After the film I asked the guy who ran the movie and the discussion, Vardan, to tell me about their church, where does it belong to, and what’s special about it.
He said that it was a branch of Protestant church, close to the Army of Salvation and some others, and all these branches differ in what part of Christ’s teaching they focus most attention on. For the Nazarean church the most important thing is sanctity. Christ told them to be saint because He is saint, and they should follow it. That means, to try to be perfect in everything, in smallest details. Be immaculate, as pure as possible, for this is the only way to see God.
And that's why they refuse of all alcohol, including that in chocolate candies – for alcohol destroys our bodies. And that’s why Vardan paused the movie at the beginning of a sex scene and scrolled it over. I asked him, why then not to skip scenes where people drink wine? Vardan said - well, it’s not necessary, for it is not a temptation strong enough. But in general, one should better avoid any temptations, for no one has enough will to resist them always.
That was interesting to learn. But there’s something that I don’t like about this idea of Purity as a MAIN law. And I'm glad to have heard of another Highest law, which is Love.
I wonder why I like it more.
Maybe because to Love is to give, it is for everyone. It’s what connects everyone, it’s what makes life eternal. And being perfect… it requires concentrating on myself. Am I enough perfect or not? Or maybe something around me can destroy me? Watching people in a movie fucking can make me feel destructive lust. Watching people being cruel to each other can make me feel destructive anger. Drinking a drop of alcohol will do me harm. Breathing in the city centre will do me harm too.
And isn’t the best way to avoid any harm – not to live at all?